woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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