I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
