Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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