aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
