bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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