Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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