Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
