this just has baby written all over it
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
