last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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