I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I need moral support for this bender
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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