He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
