He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
