I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
