Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
