in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
