Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
