I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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