so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
