i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I need a burrito and a hug.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
