I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
accomplished twins. life is a go
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
