Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
