you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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