Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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