The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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