Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize
