You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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