But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
