soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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