so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
