My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
What a dumb baby whore.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
