I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Randomize
