I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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