i need an iv and a liver transplant
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
My liver just had a heart attack.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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