Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
