these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I need to align my fucking chakras
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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