please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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