We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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