Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
