I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
