Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
