Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
