and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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