she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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