I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
