I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Acid is not a monday night drug
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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