thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
