My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
