True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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