I just saw a hot homeless man
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
