i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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