I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
