So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Randomize
