you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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