so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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