I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
