I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Randomize
