The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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