That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
