I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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