take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
