I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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